The clock on her dashboard read half past eleven. She sat there for a moment contemplating if this was a good idea. The low hum of the engine in idle wasnt distracting enough for her to take her mind of what was about to ensue. The rain was coming down hard now, frantic if you will. It was funny how it matched the emotions she had bottled up inside. Her heart was beating so hard out of her chest that it was deafening to her.
Why had he done this...was this real? Why her? This girl? What was so different? She couldnt..- no....she didnt want to believe it. She put her signal on and slowly pulled out of the street she had been procrastinating on. The scenes played over and over in her mind thanks to him and his stupid carelessness to not protect what he did not want her to find out. She could feel her hands shaking madly as she took the corner. Her headlights showed nothing but a rainy mist infront of her and she scrambled to turn on her wipers. They were on high. Back and forth. Back and forth. Just like her. Why did it come to this? The feeling of sorrow kept on being shutdown by bursts of rage and disgust. If only she had done something differently, not pushed him away, maybe it wouldnt have come down to this.
She was so consumed in her thoughts driving that she nearly missed a guardrail. Great. Not only was she taking a risk at losing her mind, but she almost killed herself in the process. Though for a moment she thought maybe that wouldnt be so bad if this was real. It wouldnt be long now, only another block away. He never turns off his phone,or at least he never used to.....
With every minute that passed the anxiety of finaly seeing it with her own eyes killed her. The realization of truth and learning that he had failed her, was eating her mind up. Her heart was doing flip flops and her whole body felt weak. She arrived at the street and her car came to a stop. Not wanting to go any further she checked her phone. Maybe he had called her to say goodnight. But nothing. Trying to prolong the inevitable, she turned on the radio. It was funny how everysong she flipped to had something to do with her situation, or so it seemed. She shut her eyes for just a moment to try to collect herself. You can do this, you need to know. Searching her bag for lighter and the cigarette she had saved for this moment. After months of trying to quit she figured this was an exception. Lighting it she could not steady her hand enough to find the end. Finally she was able to and took a long hard drag off it. She blew the smoke out very slowly. As it burned down to the end she thought to herself that it couldnt wait any longer. It was now or never. She slowly turned the wheel and she could feel the car advance into the lot but yet she didnt even feel like she was driving it there.. Darkness.....
Darkness.....
There it was. His car was parked. More darkness. She blinked a few times, she felt numb. Suddenly a wave of emotion swept through her body, she felt sick. She opened the car door and hung her head out the side but nothing. She sat there for a moment slowly getting drenched from the downpour but she didnt care. She saw what she came to see though she didnt want to believe. She slowly got back into the car and closed the door, sat there in her shivering state. Sopping wet from the freezin rain, her heart was beating and her mind was racing. Should she go in there and cause a scene? Should she wait it out until morning right there? The anxiety and panick set in again and she could feel the knot in her stomach building. Her throat started to tighten as she tried her hardest to fight back her tears. She couldnt quite tell if they were tears for her or tears for them. All she knew was that she felt ruined.
Sitting back she thought of all the memories that were now tarnished, all the intimate moments that were now meaningless. She felt like she had fallen into a bottomles pit and there would be no way out. She felt like this was the end. Then the tears started falling. Hard tears into uncontrollable drops that were everflowing.He didnt deserve her tears but they persisted. The rage was building that she was crying over this and that this was real. Her blood started to boil and suddenly she felt hot with anger. The tears streamed down her face which was clenched in a maddened way. She started up the car, the rain was still downpouring to match the downpour of her sorrows. Taking her foot off the brake she jammed on the gas. It let out a squeal as the car fishtailed out of the parking spot, she was aiming for his car, but didnt stop to notice any other surroundings . It was too late.....the car was in a jealous heat and went sliding sideways......
sideways.......
Had she not gone and seen it. She would still be home, thinking he was sleeping. Had she not gone and seen it she would wake up in the morning and go on with her day. Had she not gone and seen it, she would still be left wondering. Had she not gone and seen it she would still be alive, but not really.
No comments:
Post a Comment